Wow, it's been too long since my last post! And things have moved on a bit since then!
After my last post, it's probably become quite clear that I very much wish to enter Carmel and that I feel that this is where I am being led. The Holy Spirit has a very important part in discernment and has worked quite hard in my life lately to inspire me and guide me...and give me a nudge at times!
Two nights ago, I was reading a website about vocations, when I was suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to delay no more and write to Mother Superior and ask to enter Carmel in January. The Novice Mistress had asked me to wait a month so I was slightly reluctant - obedience being one factor and also, a month seems a reasonable amount of time to further discern.
However, I don't think you can put a time on these things when it comes to the Spirit. The feeling was so intense that I picked up my pen and wrote a letter to Mother Superior to request the forms I need to fill in prior to entry. The Holy Spirit was certainly responsible for this special stirring within!
On my way to work the next day, I posted the letter. For the previous 2 days, I had been debating about whether to tell my boss-to-be that I was actually not likely to take the job I had been offered. This came even more to the forefront of my mind as I came to post my letter, yet I decided, no, not until everything is sorted. I talked it over with my manager, who said the same. Alas, a higher up manager came to speak to me and ask how my 2 weeks in Carmel had gone...resulting in my telling him that it went very well and I was likely to enter in January. He said he would tell my boss-to-be that I was unlikely to take this job and I agreed, as I felt this was the right thing to do. To me, this was God making something happen that I was putting off due to my own interests, i.e. The Spirit working through my boss. I feel that this has taught me to trust in the Lord more in the future and act on something when I feel/know it's right. In practice, I know that'll be hard, but I will try. I also know that if I'm slow and God wants something, He will make it happen, or give a nudge in the right direction.
Slightly changing the subject, it's really tough at home as none of my family understand and don't want me to go. I feel incredibly guilty for putting them through all this and there's nothing I can say to make things right; each week it gets harder for them...and it's hard right nowbecause I'm beginning to sort out some of my things. I know it would be so easy to give in, but I wouldn't be happy and I'm sure I'd regret it in the future. I'm starting to feel the sacrifice now (as are my family, except it's harder for them as they're not especially religious). What's hardest is staying away from arguments and becoming doubtful based on what others say. I have to keep thinking of my consolations from the Lord and those feelings of peace deep within, which said "Yes, go to Carmel. Serve the Lord".
"Lord, I love you and I trust you and I know you will help me through this."
- Carmelite Aspirant
- I've just turned 27 and am entering Carmel on 24th January 2009. My first full day will be on 25th January, the Conversion of Saint Paul, of whose year this is and whose school I went to and sisters I loved. So I am depending on him to help convert me into a good Carmelite! I've wanted to become a nun on and off since the age of 11. Although I can't remember the moment I felt drawn to Carmel, I think it was partly because of reading about St Therese when I was 11 or 12. I feel I may have a natural inclination towards this way of life, altough getting up at 5.30 will not feel natural, I'm sure! I spent 2 weeks as an Aspirant in October 2008 and I loved it and came back feeling that I should go back and see if becoming a Carmelite is the Will of God and my route to holiness.