Saturday, 24 January 2009

The day has arrived

It is finally here, my day of entry into Carmel. And how do I feel? Very nervous, a bit worried about things I shouldn't worry about and sad for my family. At the moment, my feelings are negative, and I see this as a suffering. I'm glad, because how could I feel complete joy when I am leaving my earthly family? Yet I have felt joy and peace. I expect it to take a while for me to adjust and not feel guilty about leaving my family. I entrust them to God and He will take care of them.

My friends, I will leave it there, as there is so much I need to do. Thank you for your support whilst I've been on this journey. You've been so faithful and I am grateful for receiving your advice. Hold on to your faith and trust in the Lord.

God bless.


Sunday, 18 January 2009

Here I am

The first reading at Mass today seemed to anticipate my upcoming entry into Carmel and say with such relevance what I wish to say to the Lord when I enter on Saturday: "Here I am." Quite simply: Lord, let Your Will be done. Take me and work within me, drawing me closer to You.

It is a time that has gone quickly in many ways; slow in others. A time where uncertainty about the future has created fear and doubt. It has been hard to hear people say - "Well you can leave if it doesn't work out" because I have wondered if they have seen something I have not. Yet the Holy Spirit has given me a resolve that kept me focussed on entering Carmel and staying true to my decision, helping me to recall often that moment of peace I received from Him that it was the right thing to do to enter and the feeling of certainty that it was right to not accept the job offer I received, as well as moments of strong desire to serve the Lord by entering; these feelings lasted moments and it would have been so easy to dismiss them or tell myself that because I'd felt more doubt than consolation, that I should forget the whole thing. But Our Good God has given me reason and faith I have come to the conclusion that if it was not the Will of God, He would have not made it possible for me to enter. Saint Faustina was rejected by many orders before she was accepted by hers and St. Gianna considered the religious life, yet God's Will was made known to her to become a mother - He had other things in store for her and now she is a witness to pro-life. As for people's comments, I put it down to their own fear of the unknown and what they may not understand due to not being able to see themselves live the cloistered life. I take strength from St. Faustina - living for the moment and not worrying about the past or the future. What is important is to go down the road the Lord leads me and to place my trust in him, knowing that He desires my love and will not take me anywhere that will lead me away from Him. He is with me every step of the way.

From now on, I will depend on the Divine Mercy of Our Lord, Who desires us to come to Him and ask for graces. In this way, I pray that I will become a good Carmelite and truly belong to Him.

So "Here I am Lord!". I have heard Your Call and I answer.

I will write again before I leave.

God bless you all.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

His love is never-ending

My dear readers, I hope you all had a blessed Christmas and New Year and that 2009 will lead you closer to God and He will fill your lives with His love.

Christmas was a special time for my dad, as Jesus entered into his heart and brought him back to communion with Him. He also gave Him a generous heart, which caused him to give his blessing for me going to Carmel and saying that it's a wonderful thing to work for the Church and he is proud.

There I was, asking Jesus to be born into my heart, but He was born into my dad's! Instead, I wish for the Little Child to grow within me and for me to grow with Him, since I have much to learn.

I feel glad that all this has happened and hope that when I enter, my dad continues to go to Mass. It is wonderful that my dad has had a change of heart (he wasn't ever against it, but found it hard to understand). He even said that he will tell my nan, where as before he was being cautious should I end up leaving within a few months. This is surely a prompting of the Holy Spirit on his part since he has wondered in conversation with my nan whether to tell her, especially when she told him out of nowhere that someone he knew used to be a nun! He also announced this to me after Christmas Day Mass!

So Jesus has given us His love in abundance and I pray now that he will bless my mom and brother, helping them to have generous hearts and to not feel too sad when I leave.

Carmel is less than 3 weeks away and I must begin to make final preparations. There is so much to do!

About Me

My photo
I've just turned 27 and am entering Carmel on 24th January 2009. My first full day will be on 25th January, the Conversion of Saint Paul, of whose year this is and whose school I went to and sisters I loved. So I am depending on him to help convert me into a good Carmelite! I've wanted to become a nun on and off since the age of 11. Although I can't remember the moment I felt drawn to Carmel, I think it was partly because of reading about St Therese when I was 11 or 12. I feel I may have a natural inclination towards this way of life, altough getting up at 5.30 will not feel natural, I'm sure! I spent 2 weeks as an Aspirant in October 2008 and I loved it and came back feeling that I should go back and see if becoming a Carmelite is the Will of God and my route to holiness.

Saint Therese