Sunday, 18 January 2009

Here I am

The first reading at Mass today seemed to anticipate my upcoming entry into Carmel and say with such relevance what I wish to say to the Lord when I enter on Saturday: "Here I am." Quite simply: Lord, let Your Will be done. Take me and work within me, drawing me closer to You.

It is a time that has gone quickly in many ways; slow in others. A time where uncertainty about the future has created fear and doubt. It has been hard to hear people say - "Well you can leave if it doesn't work out" because I have wondered if they have seen something I have not. Yet the Holy Spirit has given me a resolve that kept me focussed on entering Carmel and staying true to my decision, helping me to recall often that moment of peace I received from Him that it was the right thing to do to enter and the feeling of certainty that it was right to not accept the job offer I received, as well as moments of strong desire to serve the Lord by entering; these feelings lasted moments and it would have been so easy to dismiss them or tell myself that because I'd felt more doubt than consolation, that I should forget the whole thing. But Our Good God has given me reason and faith I have come to the conclusion that if it was not the Will of God, He would have not made it possible for me to enter. Saint Faustina was rejected by many orders before she was accepted by hers and St. Gianna considered the religious life, yet God's Will was made known to her to become a mother - He had other things in store for her and now she is a witness to pro-life. As for people's comments, I put it down to their own fear of the unknown and what they may not understand due to not being able to see themselves live the cloistered life. I take strength from St. Faustina - living for the moment and not worrying about the past or the future. What is important is to go down the road the Lord leads me and to place my trust in him, knowing that He desires my love and will not take me anywhere that will lead me away from Him. He is with me every step of the way.

From now on, I will depend on the Divine Mercy of Our Lord, Who desires us to come to Him and ask for graces. In this way, I pray that I will become a good Carmelite and truly belong to Him.

So "Here I am Lord!". I have heard Your Call and I answer.

I will write again before I leave.

God bless you all.

1 comment:

Jay said...

Beautiful post and I am sure it is what God wants you to do. Comments from other people are not important - they are very down to earth, not spiritual. I hope you may be able to post sometimes while in Carmel. Our Lord and His Blessed Mother will help you, although some trials are surely on the way. God tries those whom He loves, do not be discouraged. Love is most important. In secular life, those who love themselves sometimes try each others love, therefore, we can imagine God also send us trials to strengthen our love and commitment to Him. Prayer in times like this is essential, and all will be fine.

About Me

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I've just turned 27 and am entering Carmel on 24th January 2009. My first full day will be on 25th January, the Conversion of Saint Paul, of whose year this is and whose school I went to and sisters I loved. So I am depending on him to help convert me into a good Carmelite! I've wanted to become a nun on and off since the age of 11. Although I can't remember the moment I felt drawn to Carmel, I think it was partly because of reading about St Therese when I was 11 or 12. I feel I may have a natural inclination towards this way of life, altough getting up at 5.30 will not feel natural, I'm sure! I spent 2 weeks as an Aspirant in October 2008 and I loved it and came back feeling that I should go back and see if becoming a Carmelite is the Will of God and my route to holiness.

Saint Therese