Sunday, 5 October 2008

Where I'm at

Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I'm 26 years old and currently discerning my vocation to become a nun. It's been all I've been able to think about lately and one thing I keep doing is popping online and researching all I can about orders and other people's experiences about becoming a nun or a sister. I thought that it might help both myself and others if I wrote things down. So here I am, wondering where exactly to start!

Well, I first wanted to become a nun when I was 11. I had started secondary school and felt somewhat drawn after watching Sister Act! There were also nuns at my new school and I looked at them with a degree of admiration. There was the interest. But what about God?

I wasn't very religious up until I started my new school, but from nowhere, I suddenly experienced God in my life. I recall reading part of St Therese's Story of a Soul, although I didn't actually complete it, but I loved it and felt like I wanted to be a saint. I think this is where my attraction to Carmel came from. My relationship with God became deeper and I often prayed alone, visitng the chapel often during lunch and breaktimes. I even remember making my bedroom simplistic so that I was able to live like a nun!

Things changed, however and I felt like I wanted to be like everyone else. Everyone seemed to know that I wanted to be a nun and for some reason, I felt the need to be 'normal'. I think looking back, I felt I was different. It would have been nice to talk to someone regularly about how I was feeling and for someone who could guide me so that I didn't feel overwhelmed, as I had lots of faith but perhaps didn't know what to do with it!

And so, I wanted to be a nun on and off until I was 16, which is when I left the school and went to a non-religious college. There I met different ideas and approaches to religion and I changed...not for the better. I took a big step away from my faith and lived in sin for several years. I used to feel the desire to seek God, but felt unable due to being in love. I would even look at websites about religious orders every now and again and wonder. The relationship ended in December 2007 and during the summer, I felt that familiar knock on the door of my heart.

I answered this time; I was free to let God in. Once again, I felt the desire to become a nun and decided to go on a retreat at a Carmelite Monastery. I met with 3 of the sisters, one being the Mother Superior and another the Novitiate Mistress and explained a bit about my life, history etc. I said I felt it was perhaps too early to respond to any call. Well I was surprised when I was advised told why wait and that it's best to try it in order to know. Three people gave me the advice to try it and it makes sense because it will help me to know my vocation!

Now, I am one week away from spending 13 days as an aspirant in Carmel and I have lots of things going through my mind, ranging from I won't be able to do it to I so much desire to serve Our Lord! It is a very confusing time!

I am going to keep praying to Him to show me the way and to give me the strength I need to respond to His call. Whatever it may be...


Rosarygirl said...

I noticed my blog has a third follower, so I thought i'd come look at yours. You started it today! I'll follow yours too. Good luck, God bless, and i'll pray for your discernment!

Carmelite Aspirant said...

Thanks Rosarygirl. I hope our blogs will get lots more interest! Take care.

Jay said...

Dear Carmelite Aspirant. If your desire to become nun keep coming back to you and is persistent it is from God. I will write some fragment from 'My Way of Life - St Thomas Summa simplified' about consecrated life which might be helpful to you:
"Men finds three kind of good in his life: the external possessions which enable them to live well, the goods of their bodies (such as health), and the good of their souls (such as knowledge and virtue). Now it is reasonable to forego a lesser good for a higher good. The athlete gives up liquor and tobacco for the good of his body. The scholar gives up liquor, food and amusement for the good of his mind. So, too, the virgin gives up the pleasures of sex in order to have more time and mental ease to devote his or her mind to God and to contemplation of God. It is precisely the infinite character of the good that the virgin seeks - God Himself - which makes virginity more excellent than marriage. Married persons have to spent a great deal of their time, and energies and talents on one another and their children. The virgin can consecrate this time, energy and talent to the worship of God. MNor is the intention of the virgin a selfish one. In the first place, the virgin gives the world an example of the possibility of controlloing the sexual drive of human nature. From this point of view alone the virgin is a boon to society. The virgin proves that self-control is attainable. Secondly, the true virgin practices virginity out of love fo God, and hence out of love of men. No one can truly love God without loving men. As the virgin grows in the love of God, so does whe grow in the love of men. Her virginity then becomes a sacrifice in the eyes of God for the good of mankind. As the married woman provides for the bodily preservation of the human race, so the virgin, by the sacrifice of her flesh provides for the spiritual preservation of the human race. Through her sacrifice and intercession in prayer, the grace and and the power of God descend into human life, making men better and procurring the salvation of the human race".

About Me

My photo
I've just turned 27 and am entering Carmel on 24th January 2009. My first full day will be on 25th January, the Conversion of Saint Paul, of whose year this is and whose school I went to and sisters I loved. So I am depending on him to help convert me into a good Carmelite! I've wanted to become a nun on and off since the age of 11. Although I can't remember the moment I felt drawn to Carmel, I think it was partly because of reading about St Therese when I was 11 or 12. I feel I may have a natural inclination towards this way of life, altough getting up at 5.30 will not feel natural, I'm sure! I spent 2 weeks as an Aspirant in October 2008 and I loved it and came back feeling that I should go back and see if becoming a Carmelite is the Will of God and my route to holiness.

Saint Therese